Mundanities
Linda wanted to upgrade the exterior lighting. She also wants to upgrade the front entryway. That's a whole different story. Stay tuned!
So we went to Menards because they have a better selection than Lowes. Decided on "the one", and they only had two in stock... ok, I'll put these up and confirm that she likes them. Note that last step well, gentlemen. Years of marriage brings such caution. Plan your work wisely!
I also picked up a shop light, LED, because for what, 20 summers, I've bitched about my halogen shop light being too hot. Easy problem to solve, for anyone other than a cheapskate.
Lantern #1 was a little problematic. The malleable tabs that hold the glass in place (some assembly required, right?) were, well, two were broken off. And then the access door to the 110v receptacles (cool! two outlets right there!) needed the latch installed (tricky - meaning, time-consuming). Then, the glass didn't fit. Hmm. Well, for now, we can at least see what it looks like.
Latern #2 was... totally assembled! All glass in, access door latch done... hmmm. So I decided to return #1... had to go get two more anyway, right? Which meant, among other things, I had to remove #1 and replace it with #2. Tick tock...
I don't do specific labor time analyses... oh who am I kidding. It's just that some I don't announce. See the "years of marriage" consideration noted above. Let's just say, it would be around a three-beer job at this point. If I did beer in the afternoon. Which sounds like a helluva good concept!!
So next day, back to Menards. Return bad unit, pick up two more (all they had in stock) so, yeah, the southside Menards has them in stock, if you need another one, sir. Sir!! Why do I always get that now?
Well f*@k, ok. Of course I'll travel that half hour! Gladly!! In a pig's eye!!!!
And as I load the boxes in the Infiniti (Linda lets me use it if I've been a good boy... second time this year!!), on box two, I hear a suspicious clinking. I open the box right there in the cart behind the car, and lo and behold, not only is the glass not in the lantern, it's all broke up, uh uh huh, oh yeah, hey hey....
Anyone who can do quadratics or non-linear statistics is with me on the count here: four units in hand, two defective, leaves two in hand to install. With one already up, that leaves... one more for day two.
Just to break up the narrative, here's the comparison shot, taken in the flat light of early morn (the left one is the right one, haha):
So. More math. We are now on day three of the project.
I loaded up for the southside Menards trip. B'wana Steve always plans trips with great intensity and detail:
So we went to Menards because they have a better selection than Lowes. Decided on "the one", and they only had two in stock... ok, I'll put these up and confirm that she likes them. Note that last step well, gentlemen. Years of marriage brings such caution. Plan your work wisely!
I also picked up a shop light, LED, because for what, 20 summers, I've bitched about my halogen shop light being too hot. Easy problem to solve, for anyone other than a cheapskate.
Lantern #1 was a little problematic. The malleable tabs that hold the glass in place (some assembly required, right?) were, well, two were broken off. And then the access door to the 110v receptacles (cool! two outlets right there!) needed the latch installed (tricky - meaning, time-consuming). Then, the glass didn't fit. Hmm. Well, for now, we can at least see what it looks like.
Latern #2 was... totally assembled! All glass in, access door latch done... hmmm. So I decided to return #1... had to go get two more anyway, right? Which meant, among other things, I had to remove #1 and replace it with #2. Tick tock...
I don't do specific labor time analyses... oh who am I kidding. It's just that some I don't announce. See the "years of marriage" consideration noted above. Let's just say, it would be around a three-beer job at this point. If I did beer in the afternoon. Which sounds like a helluva good concept!!
So next day, back to Menards. Return bad unit, pick up two more (all they had in stock) so, yeah, the southside Menards has them in stock, if you need another one, sir. Sir!! Why do I always get that now?
Well f*@k, ok. Of course I'll travel that half hour! Gladly!! In a pig's eye!!!!
And as I load the boxes in the Infiniti (Linda lets me use it if I've been a good boy... second time this year!!), on box two, I hear a suspicious clinking. I open the box right there in the cart behind the car, and lo and behold, not only is the glass not in the lantern, it's all broke up, uh uh huh, oh yeah, hey hey....
Anyone who can do quadratics or non-linear statistics is with me on the count here: four units in hand, two defective, leaves two in hand to install. With one already up, that leaves... one more for day two.
Just to break up the narrative, here's the comparison shot, taken in the flat light of early morn (the left one is the right one, haha):
So. More math. We are now on day three of the project.
I loaded up for the southside Menards trip. B'wana Steve always plans trips with great intensity and detail:
- Need to empty my gas cans to fill them up with no-ethanol gas in Mason (only place around)
- Put blue ice in a cooler for possible meat purchase (Sam's Club, southside, right by Menards, and I have to go there to buy 50 lbs of pool chlorine that'll last me 10 years. I know, my old supply is down to just cups)
- Gather my styrofoam to recycle at Dart. In Mason.
Check rear view mirror, back out of the driveway...
I planned the trip so as to hit Sam's last due to the congestion on 127 northbound I noticed as I traveled southbound... adding insult to the injury of having to take this trip in the first place...
So all went well up to Menards, second-to-last stop. They have five lanterns in stock. Yay!! And because I'm capable of learning (not AI - this is the real thing, Bobby!!!) I shake the boxes before putting them in the cart.
Yep. Two clearly defective. Still got my hearing!! (this claim not supported by Linda)
Then, it's off to Sam's. $10 ribeye, $15 filets that look great. Oh what the hell, throw in a brisket too. Let's see, with the chlorine... oh crap! I'm over the $200 mark!!
But wait! There's more! In-store promo... use their scan-and-go and you get... a free take-and-bake pizza!! Of course I will!! (note - it was difficult discriminating the crust from the box, this from three gourmet diners, one of whom was admittedly drunk). The app, by the way, is pretty cool. Scan items as you put them in your basket, link your Sam's card, bypass checkout. *like*
So, the two final lanterns got installed, and that project is finally OVER!!
Yes. Happy wife.
So, go for it all, Steve. The shop light you've wanted, sorta, for 20 years. Unchain the old, unbox the new, hook it up, route the cord, plug it in..... pull the chain.... pull the chain.... pull the chain...
What th' f*@k???? Are you serious??????????
As I said at the time, even I can discriminate between 4200 lumens and zero. (this claim not supported by Linda)
So yes my friends. The next day, trip four to Menards, on day four, for all you mathematicians.
And I asked the girl working the lights section to unbox and try out the replacement. "Humor me," I said, 'or I will go nucking FUTZ' I thought, but didn't say, because I figured she had that red button under the counter somewhere that would summon three very large people of the male persuasion, and part of me thought, well, I can take any one of them (another claim not supported by Linda, ever) but probably not all three...
And here's my trophy:
Upon reflection, it has dawned on me that it is not old age, but rather sequences such as those chronicled above, that bring on the grey.
Or is it gray?
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